Category: Soul Relationships

His Word, Soul Relationships

20 Years and Change

Michelle

Someone recently shared with me that we’ve known one another for over 20 years.

Wow…TWENTY years…two decades…

That’s a long time…and, while I’m still in my 30’s, I can say that 20 years is more than half of my life.

Even as I type that, it seems like so much time…

A lot can happen over 20 years…a person can encounter a lot of ‘stuff’ that changes who they are to the core.

Marriage…divorce…having kids…changing jobs…losing parents…life threatening illnesses…

Each of these events, as well as the daily ebb and flow of life, can change a person…for better or worse.

Of the very short list above, I’ve walked through two-thirds of these events. Fortunately, I’ve not lost either of my parents or encountered any life-threatening illnesses.

One thing that has changed me the most is motherhood. Becoming a parent will only change you if you let it. I’ve been a single mom for the entire time I’ve been a mother – almost 10 years. When you become a mother, you realize that it’s no longer about YOU. It’s about them…and what they need from you…and you learn to put your selfish ways on the shelf – or at least you should.

You know what else has had a huge impact on me? Accepting the free gift of salvation from Jesus. Knowing that you don’t have to work your way into heaven sure does take a load off. Between that and motherhood, I am nowhere near the same person I was twenty years ago. Add wisdom from poor choices to the mix, and you get another set of circumstances that can change a person.

As I was reflecting on the last twenty years, it occurred to me that this person has weaved their way in and out of my life this entire time. There would be times that we wouldn’t speak for months and years, and then there would be times where we would check in more frequently. Just a few months ago, I found a picture from 20 years ago that I had to share…and I think we both got a chuckle out of it. {Let’s be real, fashion has come a long way! Thankfully.}

Throughout this 20 years, this time span of two decades, two marriages and five kids between us, and countless broken hearts and unfulfilled hopes and dreams, we have both…

…loved and lost…

…lived through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows…

…and we have both managed to come out on the other side of things able to talk about them…

When, on a random Sunday morning, one text message starts the whole cycle over again, you find that your past and your present and your future are all rolled into one…

And then one day, you look up and someone you met 20 years ago is there…smiling at you, and asking, ‘Where have you been?’

And you just know that your heart has come home.

Book Reviews, His Word, Soul Relationships

Heart Sisters Book Review – and a GIVEAWAY!

Michelle

I’m so excited to share with you, my awesome readers, about a book I read…it’s a book about being a good friend…being the kind of friend you want to have. It’s called Heart Sisters and it’s by Natalie Chambers Snapp.

It’s no wonder that in today’s world, women are catty and competitive with one another. What do we expect, when our minds and TV screens are filled with shows such as The Bachelor, in which 20 or more women vie for the love of ONE man…or what about The Real Housewives of wherever, in which women are concerned with materials things or their exterior only?

So, when this book hit my radar, I was ecstatic, to say the least. I mean, who couldn’t use some additional literature on how to walk through conflict in love?

In the introduction, Natalie says that her prayer is that “the pages of this book will encourage you to work hard for the other women around you. To love them. To cry and laugh and genuinely encourage one another instead of being threatened by the “fleshy” feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or comparison.” I have to say, her prayer has been answered.

Throughout the course of this book, I have been challenged to view the women in my life in a different light. After all, we are all on this journey together. We are ALL under the constant barrage of feeling like we are not ‘enough.’ Whether its from our own family {because, let’s face it, we all have family members who, with one look, can make us feel small}, or the media, or our other mom acquaintances; it doesn’t take much for us to feel ‘less than’ in today’s world.

What if, instead of subscribing to our society’s ‘disposable’ view of people and relationships, we actually began to invest in people and our relationships? What kind of lovely world would that leave for our children?

This book offers guidance on how to do just that.

Natalie candidly shares some of the lessons she’s learned in life with her girlfriends – past and present. She offers biblical and world-view perspectives on why, as women, we need girlfriends in our lives. We cannot look to one person, however AWESOME that person is, to fulfill all of our relational needs.

“…the truth of the matter is we need other women in our tribe. We need to lean on each other and hold each other up when it feels like we can’t walk…We need someone to speak up if the dark brown lipstick makes us look like a corpse. Simply put, God knew we would need all kinds of relationships to fulfill the desire He placed in each of our hearts to live in community.”

I have so many favorite things about this book, but I want to share two of them with you today.

First is that Natalie gives excellent insight on five reasons that keep us {women} from embracing authentic female friendships. She coined this neat acronym to help us remember the ‘Fearless Five’

Can’t Ever Imagine Being Friends

Comparison

Envy

Insecurity

Being Prideful

Fear

So many of our issues can be neatly slotted into one of these reasons for shying away from authenticity and transparency in our relationships. Natalie walks through each of these in detail and gives true examples of how these can kill relationships in one fell swoop.

The other thing that truly touched my heart is the list of the Super Seven Sisters. These women are the true heart of you and each one has a different role to fulfill in your life. Now, as she indicates, you may have one friend who fills multiple ‘roles’ or who fits more than one ‘Sister’ relationship. If so, that’s great!

Here are a couple of the Super Seven Sisters that Natalie covers:

* Rahab: This woman is bold and will speak for you when you can’t.

* Ruth: These friends are loyal and unwavering.

* Elizabeth: This friend possesses the gift of encouragement; always lifting you up.

Now, I have one friend who fits all of the above profiles, but I also have others who may only fit one of the above, and that’s ok too.

Ok…now that I’ve shared some of my thoughts on why this book is so awesome and so timely {I have a daughter going to middle school sooner than I’d like and I know she can glean insight from this book}, I want to give one away to one of my faithful readers.

In the comments, please answer this: which of the ‘Fearless Five’ above do you struggle with most? Is comparison your pitfall? Do you find yourself comparing your perceived failures to the successes of others? Or is Being prideful your thing? You don’t think anyone could do ‘X’ as well as you do it?

Whatever your ‘issue’ is {and please be honest ladies, we ALL have issues…that’s the beauty of it!} I would love to have an open discussion on how we can use this book and overcome these snares that the enemy uses to prevent real, true, and authentic relationships.

One of you lucky ladies will be chosen at random to receive a copy of Natalie’s book. For those of you who just can’t wait for the drawing and want to purchase your own copy {and I can’t blame you there!}, you can do so here at Amazon.

Please be sure to include your email so I can contact you if you’re the lucky winner! Also, the contest closes at midnight on May 31. The lucky winner will be notified the week of June 1.

His Word, Kids/Parenting, Soul Relationships

Decoding Your Child’s SOS – by Dr. Laura Markham

Michelle

I originally shared this back on March 21, 2014. But, as I re-read this post today, I can’t help but know that God wanted me to read this on this day.

You see, I was just having a conversation with Emma today about how I felt she hasn’t been treating me with respect lately. Well, guess what, this article tells me that she is showing me she doesn’t feel enough connection, warmth and respect from me. Ouch. I will say that her love language is definitely Quality Time. She has to have that one-on-one connection with me to have her love bank filled. She needs time with just her momma doing things like reading, or painting nails, or watching her favorite program on TV. So, this weekend, we will spend some time ‘unplugged’ from the rest of the world so that my girl can get her emotional needs met. After all, as C. S. Lewis says, “Childre not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

Decoding Your Child’s SOS

“All communication is either an SOS or a care package.” — Kelly Bryson
You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It actually means to act out a feeling that you can’t express in words.

So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out. You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be missing your child’s SOS.

Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. (In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren’t perfect. That’s ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.)

As you set the limit–calmly and kindly–remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason. And if you don’t address the need or feeling that’s motivating her behavior, you’re not giving her the help she needs to behave.

Want some examples of decoding an SOS?

  • Children who are always cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.
  • Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more connected to parents, more “seen” and valued for who they are.
  • Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe. (You show them this by setting limits clearly, firmly and with empathy.)
  • Children who “don’t listen” have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they’re asking us to calm down and connect.
  • Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected.
  • Children who disrespect us are showing that they don’t feel enough connection, warmth and respect from us.
  • Children who lie to us feel afraid.

What behavior bothers you most from your own child? That behavior is an SOS. Here are 7 questions to help you decode and respond.

1. What is the behavior that bothers you?

2. What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what’s behind this SOS from your child? (What need or feeling might your child be acting out? Connection? Autonomy? Sleep?)

3. What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS? Make a list.

4. Notice how your own fear gets in the way of meeting your child’s needs. (For instance, if he’s suddenly talking baby talk, do you feel a need to correct him, or can you respond to his temporary need to be babied?) Breathe into that fear and let it go. Once we meet our kids’ needs, our child can move on. When we deny needs, the child stays stuck.

5. Make a plan to take at least one of those actions every day for a week. (It might be the same action over and over.)

6. Notice your child’s behavior change. What have you learned about his or her needs?

7. What will you do differently in the future?

His Word, Kids/Parenting, Series, Soul Relationships

Willing

Michelle

Originally published as part of #fiveminutefriday on March 7, 2014

Today’s Five Minute Friday topic is willing…so here goes, 5 minutes straight of writing, no questioning, no second guessing, no stopping and reading…

Willing – am I willing to do all of the things I need to do to be effective and good as a person and especially as a mother? Am I willing to be changed and molded into what Jesus has for me?

One thing that sticks out in my mind is the phrase, “Who you are at home is who you are.” Well, I can honestly say that I don’t like that person from the past few days. Two nights ago, my children were being their creative selves. Elijah was working on his Pinewood Derby car and Emma wanted to paint as well, so I found a little wooden crate for her to paint.

Now, let me tell you that Emma has expressed an interest in art. Me? Not so much; sure, I can appreciate art, but I am not creatively inclined. So, as she is painting and being creative, she gets excited about some paint brushes I found. After she pulls out the one she wants, she puts the case down…right in the paint…oh BOY was I frustrated!

So, naturally, I expressed my frustration in exasperated sighs…which she saw and heard. And then, when she got up, I noticed a blob of green paint right where she was painting…again, exasperated sighs…which she saw and heard.

Now, fortunately (for me AND her) this was as bad as it got. There was no yelling, no temper tantrums (from the momma)…just exasperated sighs.

I felt God convicting me…so, the following morning, I apologized to her. I apologized for making her feel as though her mistakes were the end of the world. For making her feel as though she’s not ALLOWED to make mistakes (never mind the fact that I make about a gazillion of them DAILY – that’s another topic for another day). I apologized for stifling her creativity by making her feel that her work space had to be perfect. I even shared with her that it was so easy to wipe up, since the paint was still wet. And even if it hadn’t been, it was WATER-BASED PAINT!

And then I gushed about how incredibly awesome her creation is. I told her that I wanted to start seeds in it…and put it on display for all of the world to see. And I shared with her that I love her creativity and how I wish I had some of it!

Then I began to think about the phrase “Who you are at home is who you are.” I don’t want to be the one who is so bent on the rules and things being ‘just so’ that my kids can’t express themselves.

So, today, I’m going to be a little more WILLING to bend. A little more WILLING to just let. things. go. A little more WILLING to focus on the relationship and a little less focused on the rules. Because that’s who I want to be…at home and in the world.

What about you? What areas do you feel the Lord calling you to be more willing in? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

His Word, Kids/Parenting, Series, Soul Relationships

Choose

Michelle

Originally published on March 1, 2014

This week’s Five Minute Friday writing challenge is on the word ‘Choose’ so I got to thinking about all of the things I get to choose.

The things I get to choose can be minor, like, I get to choose when I will get out of bed in the morning. I get to choose what I will wear. I get to choose what I will eat for breakfast.

The things I get to choose can also be major, like, I get to choose where we will live. I get to choose what school my children will attend. I get to choose what church we will go to, or even IF we will go to church. I get to choose how to raise my children.

See, all of the things I get to choose will somehow affect another. So, that leads me to question, what are the things I am choosing? Will they benefit another? Or will they tear another down? What are the words I’m choosing?

We, as women, and especially as mothers, have upwards of a hundred thousand choices per day. Where are the things I’m choosing leading me? Are they leading me for greatness? Are they leading me and my loved ones down a path of destruction?

The bible tells us in Matthew chapter 7 to “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (v. 13-14).

So, are the things I get to choose leading me down the wide and broad road that leads to destruction? Or do the things I get to choose, those seemingly minor and those major, leading me and my loved ones through the small gate and down the narrow road?