If only, she thought to herself. If only she had the courage to step away. To put herself first. To be her own hero.
If she had had these traits, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was currently in. She might have had the strength to be there for herself, first and foremost. She might have ended up in a stronger relationship. One in which she felt worthy and loved.
As it stands, she will have to cover the therapy bill for her own children, because of the many ways she has let them down.
This time will be different, she told herself. This time, I won’t be so engrossed in him that I lose myself. This time, I won’t allow him to ‘take over’ my life. This time, I commit to behaving in a loving way, so he won’t run away.
This time…hasn’t been different. She is still fighting for, and wishing for, all of the things she hoped he would be for her. Perhaps that’s the biggest issue of them all…putting her hope in another human being.
“I have grown weary,” she announces to the empty room. Thinking that if she verbalizes her hurt and her feelings, they will magically resolve themselves, or at least give her some direction on how to resolve them. Knowing this isn’t possible, she continues on, “weary of feeling like an afterthought. Weary of discussing the same issue. Weary of fighting for his time.”