Author: Michelle

His Word, Kids/Parenting, Soul Relationships

Decoding Your Child’s SOS – by Dr. Laura Markham

Michelle

I originally shared this back on March 21, 2014. But, as I re-read this post today, I can’t help but know that God wanted me to read this on this day.

You see, I was just having a conversation with Emma today about how I felt she hasn’t been treating me with respect lately. Well, guess what, this article tells me that she is showing me she doesn’t feel enough connection, warmth and respect from me. Ouch. I will say that her love language is definitely Quality Time. She has to have that one-on-one connection with me to have her love bank filled. She needs time with just her momma doing things like reading, or painting nails, or watching her favorite program on TV. So, this weekend, we will spend some time ‘unplugged’ from the rest of the world so that my girl can get her emotional needs met. After all, as C. S. Lewis says, “Childre not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

Decoding Your Child’s SOS

“All communication is either an SOS or a care package.” — Kelly Bryson
You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It actually means to act out a feeling that you can’t express in words.

So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out. You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be missing your child’s SOS.

Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. (In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren’t perfect. That’s ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.)

As you set the limit–calmly and kindly–remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason. And if you don’t address the need or feeling that’s motivating her behavior, you’re not giving her the help she needs to behave.

Want some examples of decoding an SOS?

  • Children who are always cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.
  • Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more connected to parents, more “seen” and valued for who they are.
  • Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe. (You show them this by setting limits clearly, firmly and with empathy.)
  • Children who “don’t listen” have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they’re asking us to calm down and connect.
  • Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected.
  • Children who disrespect us are showing that they don’t feel enough connection, warmth and respect from us.
  • Children who lie to us feel afraid.

What behavior bothers you most from your own child? That behavior is an SOS. Here are 7 questions to help you decode and respond.

1. What is the behavior that bothers you?

2. What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what’s behind this SOS from your child? (What need or feeling might your child be acting out? Connection? Autonomy? Sleep?)

3. What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS? Make a list.

4. Notice how your own fear gets in the way of meeting your child’s needs. (For instance, if he’s suddenly talking baby talk, do you feel a need to correct him, or can you respond to his temporary need to be babied?) Breathe into that fear and let it go. Once we meet our kids’ needs, our child can move on. When we deny needs, the child stays stuck.

5. Make a plan to take at least one of those actions every day for a week. (It might be the same action over and over.)

6. Notice your child’s behavior change. What have you learned about his or her needs?

7. What will you do differently in the future?

His Word, Kids/Parenting, Series

Joy

Michelle

This post was originally published on March 21, 2014. Joy – always a great topic for discussion!

YAY! It’s Friday! These are the days that I link up with Lisa Jo Baker on her Five Minute Friday writing challenge.

Today’s word is Joy. Here goes:
Joy. I can think of all of the standard cliches when it comes to Joy. Some of them are true: Jesus Others You (JOY) is the way to find Joy in your life. Joy is an inner state, happiness is circumstantial.
Here’s where I find Joy. My daughter, who is growing up into the most amazing little girl. Am I allowed to still call her that? She’s not still ‘little,’ yet she’s so far from being grown up. She has such a love for others. We were at church last Sunday, and the worship was geared towards children’s church camp. They gave an overview and showed pictures of past years. This little girl of mine, who is generally so timid and shy, looked at me with a sparkle in her eye, and a joyful expression on her face and said, “Momma, I want to go!” She’s never stayed with anyone but family for 3 nights…but she wrote in her journal that night that she so desperately wants to go. She wrote that ‘it seems like kids really meet Jesus there (well, not face-to-face), but they get to know Him better and I want to get to know Him better.’ WOW! This Momma heart was just. about. to. burst. when she allowed me to read her vulnerable words.
My son, who is turning into a young man right before my eyes. When he got home from school yesterday, he mentioned that he had hurt someone’s feelings in school. So, I gave it the attention it needed. We discussed it, then I thought we were done. Later, when he came out of the bathroom after his bath and was in his pj’s and was at his most open, he was crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, ‘Momma, I really hurt some people’s feelings today.’ Then he continued to cry. I held him, I prayed over him, we talked about it, and I consoled his little boy broken heart. I told him that God is so proud of him right now for understanding and realizing that he may have hurt someone. I told him that Jesus and the Holy Spirit are for sure living in his little boy heart, for him to be feeling this way. Again, a bursting Momma heart.
These examples are only two of the many that I could share with you. I have so many words I could share about my children. I have so many emotions that pulse through me on a daily basis. I know my kids are far from perfect; I’ve witnessed it. But this Momma is surely joy-filled when events such as these occur under my watch. I’m doing something right…maybe not too many things, but I am pointing them to the one true source of Joy in this world: Jesus. And if that’s the only thing they learn from me, well, then I have equipped them the best I know how.
Have a fabulous Friday! Spring is upon us.
His Word, Kids/Parenting, Series

Fatherlessness – An Epidemic

Michelle

This was originally published on March 19, 2014 because of an article that came to me via email. And yet, it is still true today…

An article came through my email and I wanted to share it with my readers. The link is below.

What struck me were these thoughts:

     “The assumption that the father is of little use in the home and lives of children is costly. This mindset is especially unfortunate because the church has adopted it, at the very least, in practice, even in Reformed circles. We reveal this when we show little care for those without fathers. If we can agree that the fatherless should be considered orphans, and even the children with absentee dads, does the church have a responsibility?”

     “If the church wants to bring up young male and female leaders in their congregations and effectively evangelize their city, they must address the issue of fatherlessness”

      “It takes men and families building relationships with kids and young adults intentionally looking for spiritual sons and daughters to adopt “unofficially.” To our surprise, I think we’d find most kids and young adults with absent fathers would be open to older godly men acting as a spiritual father in their lives. These relationships need to be developed patiently, with the local church encouraging and supporting this initiative in the context of discipleship.”

The entire article is worth the read. Because I grew up without my father as a constant presence, I know what a difference a dad makes! Fortunately, he and I have established a relationship in my adult years. However, I know that I would have made some very different choices if I had someone in my youth, who was instructing me on how to value myself. It has made me stronger, for sure,but, it’s not anything I want my daughter to go through, if avoidable.

Fortunately, I’m not naive to the difference a Godly man makes in the life of children and have made every real effort to find a ‘substitute’ father, or someone to fill in the gaps in their lives. (Notice I saidGodly. I could find and use just any Joe Schmo to spend time with my kids, but the real value and reward comes in finding someone who fears God.)

Unfortunately, I had to look outside of my church home. Not due to lack of effort on my part. The real treasure in this is that I know who has stepped up to “unofficially” adopt my children. They are the true heroes here.

As a side note, my father has become a devoted believer, so, if it took my childhood experiences to produce the grandpa that my kids have, well, then so be it. It was worth every tear shed.

As promised, here is the link: https://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/finding-the-fatherless-a-call-to-fill-the-gap

Have a wonderfully blessed Wednesday!